Suicide Soda- I Know Better, But I Keep Adding Flavors

This post is not actually about suicide or soda, but it is about what a suicide soda represents to me. For those who don't know, suicide soda is when you mix every flavor available into one cup, a cup from which you intend to actually drink.  When I was a kid, I thought this was hilarious! What could taste better than caffeine free Dr. Pepper with some orange, grape, lemon lime, and root beer thrown in?  Mmmm.  Yummilisciousness!

Yep, that's what I thought back then. Life was so simple.  And there were no immediate consequences for my choice to mix beverages, or even for my choice to drink carbonated sugar water. Sigh. Those were the days.

But those days are over.

And now onto what this post is really about.  A few days ago, I literally spent 4 hours inputting responsibilities into my google calendar.

 Literally.

4 hours.

By the time I was done, I wanted to strangle my husband and every fluffy bunny in the world. This was no fault of my husband or the bunnies, but rather an unfortunate truth for him and them that I just didn't feel like I had time left for anything or anyone, no matter how cute or adorable. I had the calendaring crankies.  Poor Juddy. Poor bunnies.

And I did it to myself. I surely did.  I just kept on adding things to the mix, until I had what some would call a recipe for disaster.

WHAT WAS I THINKING?  AM I INSANE?  WHEN AM I GOING TO SLEEP?

These, and other thoughts, raced through my head as I made entry after entry.

When I was a new mother, I dreamed of the day I would send my last child off to first grade, and sit home with NOTHING to do, watching TV, reading books, or whatever else I wanted.  Freedom would be mine and it would taste sweet like the nectar of the gods.

And, you know what?  If I wanted that freedom, I could have it.  Nobody makes me drive to Orem each week to teach piano lessons. Nobody forces me to clean my mom's house. Nobody made me agree to be PTA President( although some people have asked how I was coerced).  And nobody forces me to go to the temple, or to the gym, or visiting teaching, or anywhere else.  Nobody made me agree to drive my boys to early morning seminary either.

As my kids would say, "Aw Picklenuggets!"  Sometime between new motherhood and 18 years later, I guess I grew up a little bit.  I found out I don't really want to sit around all day with nothing to do.  And I sure as heck don't want to stay home so I can clean and shop all day. That's just not for me.

I like the things I've chosen to do. I don't love that my kids go to 4 different schools, but it's a choice we made and I own it.  I don't love driving all over for voice lessons, gymnastics, band, dance class, soccer, and other appointments, but I love the little people ( and some big people now) that I'm driving around and I love watching them develop their talents. I hate that my son has been diagnosed with eosinophilic esophagitis, but I would give up every free minute of my day for appointments, tests, and procedures for as long as it takes to find out what's causing it and make it better.

I do these things because I love the people I serve.  I LOVE my 5 church callings (They are really pretty easy).  I love the ladies I visit teach.  I love God.  I love my kids and I love other people's kids.  So, yes, just looking at my calendar can sometimes cause intestinal problems, and it's a bit of a juggling game, but I hope I can do it with grace, kindness, and humor.  I'm excited for this crazy year. I'm excited to help my firstborn apply for college, turn in mission papers, and to drive him all over the place for Madrigal performances.  I'm excited for all of it- the crazy, the hard, and the happy.  Maybe I should know better. Maybe I should have stopped adding flavors to the mix.  I did tell Clara NOOOOOO  the other day when she asked to join Girl Scouts- cause my cup is just plain full right now.  But, I love that full cup of crazy mixed up deliciousness.

I even love taking these two to the orthodontist

Dear Clara,

This is my final love letter to my child, for now, unless I get more children one day.  ;)
Dear Clara,
     Of all 6 of my children, you are the only one who never had a nickname stick.  I'm not sure why, but Clara just fits you so perfectly.  You are the star of many blog entries because of all of the funny things you said and did when you were "little."  Lately, you've declared yourself to be a big kid, but it seems like yesterday that you were born.  We lived in Holladay, Utah and had the pleasure of delivering you at the Birth and Family Place Birth Center just a block and a half away from our house.  This was my first birth center experience and I would never go back to the hospital after- it was so wonderful!  Daddy really wanted you to come on his birthday, which was about 8 days before my due date.  I wanted to cooperate, so I made myself the "labor inducing" eggplant Parmesan recipe from the internet.  I ate it the day before Dad's birthday.  His birthday came and ended with no signs of labor.  We were disappointed but not surprised. We went to sleep around midnight as August 15th ended, taking with it all chances of a shared birthday.  At 1:30 a.m. I woke up feeling funny.  I thought I needed to go to the bathroom.  I got up and went and got back in bed, but the funny feeling came again.  Judd asked me if I was in labor.  I whimpered,"I don't know!"  He reached over and felt my belly. It was hard and firm from the contraction  was having. "You're in labor." he told me.  "Okay, I guess. You're probably right."  Within a few minutes I knew he was right. We called Grandma Kristie and woke her up to come and also called Grandma Dellory to come and help me.  Grandma Kristie lived pretty close but we couldn't wait.  We left the other kids home asleep and headed to the birth center a few minutes before she got there.  Things had gotten intense very quickly. The midwife, Rebecca Williams met us there and we went inside.  I remember laboring in the tub and my mom gently rubbing my arm and encouraging me to breathe in and out and to release the tension. It was very soothing and helped me stay focused on relaxing.  After a fairly short time I felt like you were ready to be born. I got out of the water and climbed up on a big comfy queen sized four poster bed.  Daddy sat next to me while I got on my hands and knees and rested on a pile of pillows.  I was really tired at this point, but ready. I waited for the next contraction .They had been coming every 1-2 minutes the whole time.  But, they stopped for about 10 minutes and I just relaxed. Then, they started up again and I quickly pushed you out.  Your amniotic sac broke as you were born.  Start to finish was 1 hour and 15 minutes!  You were born at 2:45 a.m. on August 16th, missing your Dad's birthday by less than 3 hours!

One of the most exciting things about your birth was that we didn't know if you were a girl or a boy. When you were born I flipped around and held you, pulling you up to my chest and checking you to find out if we had a new son or daughter.  That was one of the most incredible moments of my life.

We brought you home in an adorable yellow ducky outfit and you quickly became part of the family. You were a very easy and happy baby.  Grandma Dellory told me that you had mischief planned- she could see it in your eyes. Well, dang it all, she was right.

You waited a while to let us know, cause you knew you needed to wait, but you became quite the wild thing- about one month after I became pregnant with Audrey.  And you stayed a wild thing for several years.  When Audrey was 2 weeks old and you were almost 2, you stripped her naked and rubbed desitin all over her body while I was in the bathroom.  As you grew older, your wildness evolved into a more controlled zest for life- usually.  You are still very, um, fiesty.

We know that as you grow up you will be a powerful force for whatever you put your mind to do.  You have a way with people that is clearly a gift from God.  You see all people as worth getting to know and are not intimidated by age or unusual dress or grooming.  We had to tell you that you were allergic to men when you were little so you would stop climbing on stranger's laps all the time.  It took you a long time to figure that one out.  Sorry.  You are just very friendly.

One of my favorite stories about you is from last year when your class at school visited a nursing home and performed for the residents. You sang a song. Afterwards, you visited with the people and treated them with such kindness and interest that your school counselor sent you a letter in the mail praising your behavior.  What she didn't know is that you are always like that. You love people! And they usually love you back.

You are a determined kid at anything you do, whether it is dancing, soccer, softball, or convincing someone you are right.  You are a loving sister and daughter.  Clara, I wrote this in the blog about your baptism, but it's really important and true, so I'm writing it again. You ARE your name.  You are a "bright bringer of light" Clara Lucille.  I can't wait to see who you become and be your cheerleader as you continue to progress and achieve everything you set your mind to doing. I love you Clara!

-Mommy