A person might assume that another person, such as I, faced with more free time than I've had in the last 17 years, would be blogging more than in the past, but apparently, that person would be wrong. Since Emmeline started school in August, things have been. . . interesting.
I have done great at my goal of attending the temple weekly, achieving an average of one visit per week. That addition to my life has brought me more joy than I ever could have imagined. I love the temple! And reading the Book of Mormon every day has been peaceful and enlightening.
But, let's go backwards a little bit before we get to now. Last Spring my awesome PTA board member friends were looking for some people to step up for this year's board. I had my pick of President Elect or Secretary, or some other big and fun and wonderful PTA job. While stressful, I truly enjoyed my two years as Treasurer and I cherish the friendships I made. But, when I thought and prayed about taking a position for this school year, I felt what we Mormons call a "stupor of thought". Rather than feeling a sense of peace or excitement about making this commitment, I felt restrained and a mental emptiness, a gentle impression that I was not meant to be on the board this school year. I repeatedly felt the distinct impression that "something" was coming into my life that would prevent me from being able to continue serving at such an intense level at the PTA. I remember telling my friend Kathy "I just hope that whatever is coming is something good!"
It wasn't.
Dang it.
School started. Everything was great for a little while.
Then, with no warning, I got a new house guest. Her name is Anxiety. She's kind of a bully and I don't like her very much. Luckily, she's not always here. She's very unpredictable that way. I guess Anxiety, like living and breathing house guests, affects people in different ways. For me, I feel worried about nothing at all, I feel tense, I feel like maybe hyperventilating would be good, and I feel this tight squeezing in my chest. Sometimes Anxiety invites her cousin Depression to join the partay!
About 6 weeks after Anxiety moved in, something went wrong with the progress I've been making with my leg healing. I tore my calf in February of last year. It was up and down but I was definitely up at the time and had finally made it up to running a mile. I was one week away from being ready to try Spinning class again, when my foot started to hurt a lot - on my birthday. Rude. Then my calf muscle tightened up in this crazy death grip and it just went downhill from there. To make a long and not yet finished story much shorter, I have nearly constant pain in my foot, calf, and hip. I had to stop running and most walking. I'm going to water aerobics and trying to manage the pain with a metal croquet ball( hip), golf ball, (foot) and my new buddy the lacrosse ball( calf). I've tried motrin, heat packs, muscle rubs, electrical massage machine, stopping all activity, switching to soft inserts rather than my custom orthotics, a trip to the doctor and oodles of stretching. It's been 3 months now. I wonder if this pain might be a permanent resident. This is making Anxiety stay at my house even more. She's really attracted to stress.
On Friday, I'm going to the doctor again. I'll be asking for a referral to a podiatrist, a referral to another sport's medicine doctor (cause this guy has seen me three times and wants a second opinion), and possibly asking to start the process again to get an MRI scheduled to check for nerve impingement. The good news about that is that if I meet my max out of pocket in January, I have 11 months of free medical left this year! I'm not sure what's going to happen. I'm not sure if I'm ever going to get completely better. But, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to find out what is wrong with me.
So, that's depressing. It's been really really hard to keep my chin up,and sometimes I'm not keeping it up; instead, I'm laying on my bed in the fetal position and bawling.
And it's hard to be nice when you're in pain all the time. To all the people in chronic pain who are still nice- I THINK YOU ARE FREAKING AMAZING! I'm trying to learn to be like you.
Okay, now fast forward to now. I guess what I'm saying is that I'm human. I'm struggling and I'm going through some especially stinky trials right now. For months I have wavered back and forth on whether or not to share this, but in the end, I think sharing it is the right thing to do.
I'm going to be okay. I don't know when and I don't know how and I don't know what okay is going to look like, I just know that I'm not giving up until I get there.
I'm not sharing this trial with anyone and everyone who decides to read it merely in hopes of going viral. ( this is a good place to insert maniacal laughter, because that is just funny. I'll never go viral) I'm not sharing because I want something out of anyone. And I'm not reaching out for pity, although sometimes compassion feels good.
I'm sharing because that is what I do. I write. I share. I hope that my blog entries make you laugh, make you cry, make you think, and help you feel God's love for you.
In spite of the last four months being crazy hard with no end in site, God has not left me alone to deal with these things. He has sent me comfort in the form of family and friends and the Holy Ghost speaking to my heart, especially while I am studying the Book of Mormon.
I am not going to let Anxiety or injury win. I'm holding fast to my faith, even in the moments where I'm shaking with fear and/or sadness, my faith is what helps me wipe away the tears, take a deep breath, and go cook dinner or help my little girl with her homework.
And even while I desperately hope that there is something easier ahead, it's the warm little hand of that sweet young daughter holding my hand and trusting me to keep her safe, that propels my own legs forward. Despite the discomfort, she is worth it. All six of my kids are worth it individually. Getting to be their Mom is worth the trials of the past, present, and future.
I have a quote on my wall that my littlest girl (5) can now read.
"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass . . It's about learning to dance in the rain" -Vivion Greene
So, take that trials! My dance might be one legged and funny looking, but I'm still dancing.
