Her Office is a Bathroom

Last week I stepped out of my comfort zone and attended the National PTA Convention in New Orleans, Louisiana.  For weeks before leaving, I was racked with extra anxiety, something I have been dealing with for several years.  Anxiety can be about real things and it can be about nothing at all. Mine is both.  It ebbs and flows throughout the day and night, sometimes hardly there, sometimes seemingly gone, sometimes coming with a force that literally takes my breath away.  I cannot breathe.  I wake up in the night as I sit up in bed gasping for air, then automatically apologize for waking my spouse, and lay back down to sleep as soon as my pounding heart recovers.
In the weeks leading up to my departure, my mind barreled at manic speeds as I juggled my responsibilities and choices back and forth. Nestled in my sister's rocking love-seat, I wrote down my negative self-talk, burned it in her bathroom sink, and replaced it with positive affirmations directly counter to my fears.

"I am powerful.  I am as strong as I need to be.  I do not need to run faster than I have strength.  I am a daughter of God and He loves me.  I CAN let go of what I cannot control, I WILL let go of what I cannot control.  I will be peaceful in my anxiety because Jesus is my anchor and my firm foundation.
Why will I have such an amazing time in New Orleans? because I am amazing."

Folded in my purse, this mantra carried me, not away from my fears, not freed from my anxiety, but through my fears and through my anxiety to my place of strength.

Miraculously, I hardly felt any anxiety while I was gone, just smidgens here and there and one sit-up-in-the-bed-and-gasp-for-air episode.  I'm not sure if that woke the saint of a woman who let me share her bed when there was no room for me. She didn't say.
I went in full force to learn and to share and it was AMAZING.  I made friends with several people. They laughed, and said yes, when to their faces I asked, "Will you be my friend?", referring to Facebook, but also life.

I learned from masters, women and men who serve on state and National PTA boards, children with wisdom beyond their years, and mothers, struggling to balance their own crazy lives but driven by vision and passion to better the lives of their own children and the children of America.  But, most of all, I was touched by the woman working in the bathroom. The convention was held in the largest conference center I have ever seen in my life. It stretches .62 miles and 11 city blocks.  Near the main ballroom where we had our general meetings, was a mammoth bathroom and a woman who worked there.

She was there every time I went inside.

On the second day I went the to bathroom 4 times between 7 a.m. and 4:30 p.m. She was in there every time. She works in the bathroom.  ALL DAY LONG.  And the bathroom smelled bad. ALL OF THE TIME.  I wanted to know her. I wanted to know her story.  Is she grateful for her job? Does it bring her joy?  Do her feet hurt?  Does she feel invisible?  Does she feel trapped? What is her story? What could she teach me?

I was pretty bold last week, but not bold enough or rude enough to invade that woman's realm and pepper her with personal questions. Yet, I admired her.  She smiled as she worked.  She showed up. Her office is a bathroom. She was always there, despite difficult circumstances.

And, without talking to her, I felt a kinship.  She's doing what she has to do.  And so am I.  And if she can show up each day and work long shifts in a windowless, smelly bathroom, I can do the hard things, both placed in my life and there by choice. 

I needed to share this and, on my very last day, as I walked and walked and walked those halls, and walked some more, eating the most delicious dripping double scoop Bluebell ice cream waffle cone, I decided to stop once more in her bathroom, just to see, "Is she really always there?" And as I approached, I saw her, OUTSIDE OF THE BATHROOM, laughing as she  talked to a co-worker and pushed a trash can across the polished floor, briefly emerged from her "office", not completely trapped after all.  She was beautiful. She is strong. And so am I.







 

New Year- My Ten Realistic Resolutions for 2018

Ive decided to make official resolutions this year, and what better way to be accountable than to share them publicly?  Here they are:

You know that Twilight Zone deja vu feeling where you think "I've done this exact thing before"?Well, I've recently discovered that my life actually is on deja vu mode.  I am just finishing year 4 of a 5 year journal. Each page covers one date for all 5 years, so I can look back on that day and see what I was doing in past years.  Of course, the dates are all on different days of the week each year, cause that's how the years work, so you wouldn't think I'd be doing the SAME thing on the SAME day, except for holidays. But, a lot of the time, I do. It's creepy.  Like how on December 29th last year, I took my kids to the dentist. Then I did it again on December 29th this year.  And this just keeps happening, going to the temple with the same friend on the same day, or celebrating my birthday the exact same way.  It's time to shake it up baby! So. . .

 RESOLUTION #1 STOP COPYING MYSELF.  GET A LIFE AND DO DIFFERENT THINGS ON DIFFERENT DAYS.  MAKE MY JOURNAL PROUD!

I did try a bunch of new things this last year. That was a good journal day.

I turned 40 this year. My pants are feeling tight.  I hate that more than I hate Utahn's aggressive driving. So. . . .

RESOLUTION #2. HAVE PANTS THAT ARE NOT TIGHT THIS TIME NEXT YEAR.  IF I KEEP THIS VAGUE, I CAN DEFINITELY ACHIEVE THIS.

Whatever it takes

So, back to turning 40. I am definitely feeling old, cause, sadly,  I can't really control my body thinking it's a zombie, but I can control, somewhat, my self talk.  And, in addition to falling apart, I'm also getting wrinkles and gray hair. So. . .

RESOLUTION #3  LOVE MY CHANGING HAIR AND FACE.  THINK POSITIVE THOUGHTS LIKE" SPARKLY UNICORN HAIR, CELESTIAL LOCKS, LOVE LINES, CREASES OF JOY, AND MEMORY MARKS" instead of "GRAY HAIR, WRINKLES, or UGLY MIDDLE AGED BAG LADY."

What's not to love about this face? Don't answer that.

For about a year, I made it to the temple every week.  I loved this, but then I became PTA President and it got harder and more spread apart. And then I got out of the habit, so it's become more like 1-2 times per month. So. . .

RESOLUTION #4 GO TO THE TEMPLE WEEKLY.  MAKE AN APPT. AND KEEP IT! 

Just over a year ago, I finally wrote something "for real", the words to a song, "The Armor of God" and my dear friend wrote amazing music.  We are on our way to becoming what I like to call "Mormon famous" which means Mormons all over the world will know and love our song, but not really know who wrote it. You might be thinking, "Oh, they'll know," but I bet you don't know who wrote "I am a Child of God" and, if you do, it's cause you are a music nerd.  So. . .in addition to my goal of becoming Mormon famous. . . 

RESOLUTION #5 WRITE ANOTHER SONG WITH JENNETTE. AND WRITE A SONG BY MYSELF- A DECENT ONE THAT ISN'T ABOUT MY DOG KNOCKING DOWN MY CHRISTMAS TREE,  A SERIOUS SONG, CAUSE MY 4 LINE JELLYFISH SONG IS PRETTY GOOD, BUT I WANT TO HELP PEOPLE FEEL GOD'S LOVE, NOT JUST BE SILLY.

I really like to write, so I'm going to have two about writing.  I haven't quite finished my Otter story, although I've been working on it, so. . . 

RESOLUTION #6 FINISH THE OTTER STORY BY FEBRUARY.  WRITE ANOTHER STORY. SUBMIT AN ARTICLE/STORY TO A MAGAZINE.  

Yes, the door is covered in otter pictures.

Ever since I had to give up exercising, due to my leg problem, I haven't been very thirsty.  This might be part of why my pants have "shrunk". So. . . 

RESOLUTION #7 DRINK MORE WATER. MEASURE IT.  QUIT BEING A NINNY ABOUT HAVING TO PEE A LOT AND JUST DRINK THE WATER!  

I might need to get creative.

If you have been reading my blog for a while, you know I've been dealing with anxiety for about 3 years.  It was a lot better, but it's not so great right now. One of the worst symptoms is that I sometimes suddenly feel like I can't breathe, and then, well, I struggle to take a breathe. I'm not sure if it's the season, the poisonous air in Utah, my inability to exercise much, hormones, chemicals, genetics, or the planets aligning in a way that irritates my chi, so. . .

RESOLUTION #8 BREATHE.  RECOGNIZE THAT MY MIND IS POWERFUL AND THAT BREATHING IS A GOOD IDEA.  PRACTICE CONSCIOUS DEEP BREATHING AND RELAXATION. 

My kids are growing up really fast. My oldest left home in August and is hoping to go on a mission this next year. My next oldest will start his Senior year in 2018.My oldest daughter will start High School. The next two will be in 8th grade and 6th grade.  My baby will turn 8 and get baptized. Time just feels faster and faster the older I get.  I want to set a goal that is just for my children, so. . 

RESOLUTION #9. LISTEN. WHEN MY KIDS WANT ME OR NEED ME/ I WILL CONSISTENTLY GIVE THEM MY FULL ATTENTION AS SOON AS POSSIBLE AND THEN STRIVE TO TRULY LISTEN AND UNDERSTAND. Finish studying "How to talk so your kids will listen and listen so your kids will talk" to help me with this goal.

They are worth it!

I've heard that goals are accomplished by setting small goals that add up to large goals, so.. . 

RESOLUTION #10. MAKE A LIST OF SMALLER, MEASURABLE GOALS, WITH DEADLINES WHERE HELPFUL, THAT ADD UP TO THESE LARGER RESOLUTIONS. CHECK PROGRESS ON THE LAST DAY OF EVERY MONTH.

Well, that's it. Ten realistic resolutions. All I really have to do to achieve them is. . . . 

Try new things

buy new pants

Love my face

Serve the dead

Be creative

Drink

Breathe

Listen

and REPEAT! 

What are your resolutions?  

P.S. I'm relieved to report that I haven't blogged about this before, at least I think I haven't, although there's this strange feeling of deja vu right about now. . . 

I'm too busy and stressed out, so I think I'll be PTA President

If I weren't me, I would think I was full on crazy.  As it is, I know that I am only a little bit crazy.  In a blog post in January, I opened up and shared the struggles I've been having for the last 7 months or so with anxiety and chronic pain.  Not knowing these things were coming, last Spring I felt prompted to take a year off from intense PTA service, just helping here and there as I've been able.

So, what changed?  Strangely, nothing has changed.

Well, that's not true.  One thing has changed. The answer to the question changed. Last year when I prayed and pondered about being on the PTA board, the answer was clearly "No".  This year, when I prayed about the idea of being PTA President, the answer is yes.

I'm still plagued with random anxiety.  I still wake up almost every day with a sense of dread.  I still experience scattered episodes of heart pounding, muscles tensing, and irrational feelings.  But, I don't feel it all the time and I know it passes.  I still don't know why I have so much pain in my foot. . . both feet now.  I don't know if it's muscular or neurological.  I have started to be aggressive in trying to figure it out and I'm hopeful to find some answers in the next few months.  Since I fell down a few steps last week and sprained my "good" ankle, I will be going to PT soon for both feet. And I get to see a neurologist on Friday. Hopefully some really painful nerve testing is in my future. I'm ready to face whatever the answers may be.
Anyway, so why would a person experiencing these trials, with 6 very busy kids, decide to be PTA President?

People get answers to prayers in different ways. Some people hear spoken words, some find answers in scriptures or words from a person, feelings, or thoughts in their minds. However they come, they are accompanied by a confirmation from the Holy Ghost. They bring peace, a lasting peace, and an ability to move forward with faith, acting on the prompting or answer.  For me, when the answer was no, I felt a stupor of thought.  It was like a mental wall that would not allow me to even consider the possibility of serving on the PTA Board.  When the answer was yes, it was like a seed had been planted in my mind and heart and it was growing like crazy. I couldn't stop thinking about it, and ideas just started flooding my brain. I also felt the warm tingly feeling in my heart when I prayed about   So, I'm supposed to be PTA President. Wow!

I am really excited to do this! And my friends and family have my back, so I know I won't be alone.  One of the things that we do at our school is pick a theme for the PTA for each year.  Many PTAS have a fundraising theme, something cute to encourage parents to join the PTA. But, we take it one step further by having a theme that we use throughout the year.  The school joins along in using and implementing the theme.  It's kind of a big deal.  In the past we've had themes such as:

Heroes ( Super Hero Fox)
Team Fox Hills
Shoot For the Stars (May the Fox Be With You - Jedi Fox)
Building a World of Education ( minecraft and lego)
Unless ( From the Lorax, Unless someone like you cares a whole lot, nothing's going to change, it's not)  We did Dr. Seuss stuff all year

So, it's my turn to pick a theme.  Our school is Fox Hills.  I'm going with . . . . .imagine a very awesome drumroll right now. . . . . . . . . . .

F. O. X.

This stands for Focus on Excellence.

This theme has a two-fold meaning for me.  The first is to encourage the children to focus on their talents rather than dwelling on their weaknesses.  Every person ever born has something special about him/her, one or more talents that should be discovered, developed, and celebrated.  While it's important to be aware of our weaknesses and to work on them, I want to focus on the kids' strengths and potential.  I want them to focus on their strengths- and to focus on the strengths of others as well. That leads into the second component of what this theme means for me.  When we look for talents in ourselves and others, it is easier to let go of the natural inclination to be competitive.  While there is a time for competition, most of the time, in real life, is not the time to compete, but a time to work together. At a meeting a few months ago, my friend Jennette Booth, said something in a way that really touched me.  It was about serving in the church, but it applies in life.  She said that when we come together we bring our weaknesses and our strengths.  We may be strong where our friend is weak, and our friend may be strong where we are weak.  Our weaknesses can be likened to gaps.  When we come together, work together, and help each other, we fill each other's gaps. This fusion of friendship creates something unique that we couldn't do alone.  Our talents combine and strengthen not only each other, but the group as a whole, and we are stronger than the sum of our parts.

I am counting on FOX to get me through being PTA President.  I'm counting on a lot of parents volunteering and bringing their strengths to the table.  I'm counting on my kids stepping up and filling in some the gaps to help me out. I know my husband will help. He's already volunteered to be Reflections Chair! It's going to be a wild ride, but I know I'm supposed to do it. So, even though I announced this on facebook on April Fool's Day, it's not a joke.  I'm really going to be PTA President next year!  I plan to get a lot of volunteers by using my "Texas" smile when I ask for help.

My New Friend Who is Not Really My Friend and is Actually Welcome to Leave At Any Time

A person might assume that another person, such as I, faced with more free time than I've had in the last 17 years, would be blogging more than in the past, but apparently, that person would be wrong. Since Emmeline started school in August, things have been. . . interesting.

I have done great at my goal of attending the temple weekly, achieving an average of one visit per week.  That addition to my life has brought me more joy than I ever could have imagined.  I love the temple! And reading the Book of Mormon every day has been peaceful and enlightening.

But, let's go backwards a little bit before we get to now.  Last Spring my awesome PTA board member friends were looking for some people to step up for this year's board.  I had my pick of President Elect or Secretary, or some other big and fun and wonderful PTA job. While stressful, I truly enjoyed my two years as Treasurer and I cherish the friendships I made. But, when I thought and prayed about taking a position for this school year, I felt what we Mormons call a "stupor of thought".  Rather than feeling a sense of peace or excitement about making this commitment, I felt restrained and a mental emptiness, a gentle impression that I was not meant to be on the board this school year.  I repeatedly felt the distinct impression that "something" was coming into my life that would prevent me from being able to continue serving at such an intense level at the PTA.   I remember telling my friend Kathy "I just hope that whatever is coming is something good!"

It wasn't.

Dang it.

School started. Everything was great for a little while.

Then, with no warning, I got a new house guest.  Her name is Anxiety.  She's kind of a bully and I don't like her very much.  Luckily, she's not always here.  She's very unpredictable that way. I guess Anxiety, like living and breathing house guests, affects people in different ways. For me, I feel worried about nothing at all, I feel tense, I feel like maybe hyperventilating would be good, and I feel this tight squeezing in my chest. Sometimes Anxiety invites her cousin Depression to join the partay!

About 6 weeks after Anxiety moved in, something went wrong with the progress I've been making with my leg healing.  I tore my calf in February of last year.  It was up and down but I was definitely up at the time and had finally made it up to running a mile.  I was one week away from being ready to try Spinning class again, when my foot started to hurt a lot - on my birthday. Rude. Then my calf muscle tightened up in this crazy death grip and it just went downhill from there.  To make a long and not yet finished story much shorter, I have nearly constant pain in my foot, calf, and hip.  I had to stop running and most walking.  I'm going to water aerobics and trying to manage the pain with a metal croquet ball( hip), golf ball, (foot) and my new buddy the lacrosse ball( calf).  I've tried motrin, heat packs, muscle rubs, electrical massage machine, stopping all activity, switching to soft inserts rather than my custom orthotics, a trip to the doctor and oodles of stretching.  It's been 3 months now.  I wonder if this pain might be a permanent resident.  This is making Anxiety stay at my house even more.  She's really attracted to stress.

On Friday, I'm going to the doctor again.  I'll be asking for a referral to a podiatrist, a referral to another sport's medicine doctor (cause this guy has seen me three times and wants a second opinion), and possibly asking to start the process again to get an MRI scheduled to check for nerve impingement.  The good news about that is that if I meet my max out of  pocket in January, I have 11 months of free medical left this year! I'm not sure what's going to happen.  I'm not sure if I'm ever going to get completely better.  But, I'm ready to do whatever it takes to find out what is wrong with me.

So, that's depressing.  It's been really really hard to keep my chin up,and sometimes I'm not keeping it up; instead, I'm laying on my bed in the fetal position and bawling.

And it's hard to be nice when you're in pain all the time.  To all the people in chronic pain who are still nice- I THINK YOU ARE FREAKING AMAZING!  I'm trying to learn to be like you.

Okay, now fast forward to now.  I guess what I'm saying is that I'm human.  I'm struggling and I'm going through some especially stinky trials right now.  For months I have wavered back and forth on whether or not to share this, but in the end, I think sharing it is the right thing to do.

I'm going to be okay.  I don't know when and I don't know how and I don't know what okay is going to look like, I just know that I'm not giving up until I get there.

I'm not sharing this trial with anyone and everyone who decides to read it merely in hopes of going viral. ( this is a good place to insert maniacal laughter, because that is just funny.  I'll never go viral) I'm not sharing because I want something out of anyone.  And I'm not reaching out for pity, although sometimes compassion feels good.

I'm sharing because that is what I do. I write. I share.  I hope that my blog entries make you laugh, make you cry, make you think, and help you feel God's love for you.

In spite of the last four months being crazy hard with no end in site, God has not left me alone to deal with these things.  He has sent me comfort in the form of family and friends and the Holy Ghost speaking to my heart, especially while I am studying the Book of Mormon.

  I am not going to let Anxiety or injury win.  I'm holding fast to my faith, even in the moments where I'm shaking with fear and/or sadness, my faith is what helps me wipe away the tears, take a deep breath, and go cook dinner or help my little girl with her homework.

And even while I desperately hope that there is something easier ahead, it's the warm little hand of that sweet young daughter holding my hand and trusting me to keep her safe, that propels my own legs forward.  Despite the discomfort, she is worth it.  All six of my kids are worth it individually. Getting to be their Mom is worth the trials of the past, present, and future.

I have a quote on my wall that my littlest girl (5) can now read.

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass . . It's about learning to dance in the rain" -Vivion Greene

So, take that trials! My dance might be one legged and funny looking, but I'm still dancing.