Courageous Parenting- Lusty Lyrics and other Musical Maladies

My husband recently brought up the fact that our little girls aren't treating each other in the kindest manner lately.  There has been a lot of yelling, hitting, and arguing going on.  As we have tried to figure out why this is happening, one thing stands out as a possible, even likely, contributor, to this problem.

It is music.

  One of our daughters loves modern music.  She checks it out from the library in the form of KidzBop CD's.  She watches music videos online, with permission of course.  She is constantly singing current music, and I have no idea where she learns it!  

I don't usually listen to radio music.  When I was a kid, my dad said we couldn't listen to music on the radio.  The only exceptions were the Oldies and Classical.  I led a very sheltered musical life.  We owned cassettes of show tunes, church music, jazz, movie soundtracks, kid music and opera.  People thought I was weird, and I didn't understand a lot of references.  I may have been naive, but I'm grateful for it.  

I just read an article that shows a link with the lyrics in music and our behavior. This isn't a new thing, but here's just another study backing up what we all know to be true inside.  Music affects us.  

http://www.deseretnews.com/article/865652703/Literal-lyrics-The-effects-of-sex-violence-and-misogyny-in-popular-music.html?pg=3

“Music will do exactly what it is written to do. How you put lyrics to music and what music you choose to listen to affects just about every part of your life,” he said. “The thing I want to do is teach my students how to make their own decisions based on how things make you feel and act. Do they go along with your moral compass? There’s a ton of good in almost all genres, but there are some that are a subculture. They intend to be bad, and they want to drag people to a dark place. It can take you to the highest peaks and lowest valleys.”

I'm not alleging that all modern music is bad.  Nope. That would be stupid.  And I'm not stupid.  What I am saying is that the lyrics in the music we listen to MATTER.  They affect us profoundly, whether we want them to affect us or not.  And we need to be aware that the artists who write these lyrics are also profoundly aware of their messages- they are intentional.  

I told my daughter that I thought she was listening to some songs that might not have the best messages.  I asked her to tell me a song she likes, and we looked up the lyrics. As I read them out loud, possibly mixed with some mocking, and my family guffawed, it became apparent that the message was not wholesome. I offer up one of the songs and my uncensored analysis ( in red) to prove my point.  "Call Me Maybe"

I threw a wish in the well, 
Don't ask me, I'll never tell
( but she actually does tell)
I looked to you as it fell,
And now you're in my way
  (what does this even mean?)

I'd trade my soul for a wish,
( and we now introduce the devil, and her willingness
to trade her soul for her shallow desires)
Pennies and dimes for a kiss
I wasn't looking for this,
But now you're in my way
 (still wondering what this means, but it sounds rude at the least)

Your stare was holdin',
Ripped jeans, skin was showin'
( immodest dress, and I don't want to know about it)
Hot night, wind was blowin'
Where do you think you're going, baby?
(This is not a nice way to talk, and why is she calling him baby? They just met, according to the next line)

Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
(It is crazy)
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe!
(What does she mean by maybe? I don't really care, but I don't want my 8 year old listening to a song about a girl who would sell her soul and gives out her number to strangers.)

It's hard to look right
At you baby,
(Why? This is just weird, and I don't like it)
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe!

Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe!
( I'm having the bad kind of dejavu)

And all the other boys,
Try to chase me,
( I also don't want my 8 year old thinking about boys chasing her)
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe!
( and I'm getting tired of these lyrics)
You took your time with the call,
I took no time with the fall
You gave me nothing at all,
But still, you're in my way

(What did she expect him to give her?  Is she alluding to intimate behavior?  I'm not sure.  I'm not sure what this means at all, except that it is not a nice way to talk)

I beg, and borrow and steal
(so now she's a thief?)
At first sight and it's real
( No, it is not real)
I didn't know I would feel it,
But it's in my way
(So, is she saying she fell in love at first sight, and she's annoyed by that?  Not sure, but the notion of love at first sight is ridiculous .The correct term is LUST)

Your stare was holdin',
Ripped jeans, skin was showin'
Hot night, wind was blowin'
Where you think you're going, baby?

( I like this even less the second time)

Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe!

It's hard to look right
At you baby,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe!

Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe!

And all the other boys,
Try to chase me,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe!

(So, she couldn't think of any more lyrics, since there isn't much to say about a relationship that doesn't exist, so she just repeats the same thing over and over.)

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad
I missed you so, so bad
( This is just inane, and again, a concept I don't want my child romaticizing, that you could miss someone you've never met. I don't want her looking for instant love)
Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
And you should know that
I missed you so, so bad (bad, bad)

It's hard to look right
At you baby,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe!
( Why is it hard to look right at you baby?)
Hey, I just met you,
And this is crazy,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe!

And all the other boys,
Try to chase me,
But here's my number,
So call me, maybe!

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
I missed you so bad
I missed you so, so bad

Before you came into my life
I missed you so bad
And you should know that

So call me, maybe!

( and yet again a repeat of the same ridiculous stuff as before)
So in summary, this song is about a girl who sees a boy at a wishing well, where she is willing to sell her soul for some LUST.  One of them is dressed immodestly, not sure which.  She gives him her number and then plays hard to get, but she's also madly in love with him and wants him to know that other boys are chasing her, and that she would MAYBE like him to call her.  Oh, and she might be a thief. 

Okay, I'm done writing in red. All joking aside, this song may not be about violence or obviously about sex.  But, what is it about?  Lust?  Confusion?  Talking rudely and disrespectfully?  What is the message that it sends to my daughter?  What thoughts and feelings does she have when she sings it?

Is it VIRTUOUS,
LOVELY,
of GOOD REPORT,
or PRAISEWORTHY?
-see 13th article of faith

Well, no, it isn't.  There is nothing in the message of this song that I want my children carrying in their minds or hearts.  These are not the words that I want popping up to help them make decisions or to comfort them in trying times.  Yet, somehow, it's creeping into our lives.  And I'm finding myself at a crossroads. This thing could go either way, and I have the power to direct and guide the course.  I have that parental premonition that is warning me RIGHT NOW to do something.  It isn't that we don't already have rules and that we haven't already strived to model good music listening habits. We do have rules to listen to good music. We try to only listen to songs with good messages.  But, as technological access explodes exponentially, the game is changing.  I cannot just TELL my kids not to listen to "bad" music and protect them by keeping it out of my home.  I have to TEACH them to choose wisely.  I can and I will ban inappropriate music in my home, but in order to truly reach my children, I need to also teach them the principles behind WHY and help them choose for themselves.  So, as silly as it seems, this game of analyzing the lyrics is very serious, and it is going to be our new musical activity for my daughter and the songs she likes.  I will sit down with her and guide her in creating and applying a litmus test to determine if a song is a good choice.  The questions might look something like this:

How do I feel while listening to this song?

What do I think about?

Do I feel like I want to help, serve, or be kind?

What is the message?

What is this song about?

Does this song promote anything that is against my personal code of conduct or my beliefs?

I think the biggest danger in songs, for my kids anyway, isn't in the blatantly obvious "dirty" songs, but in the songs that become wildly popular- the ones that get sung and danced to in school dances, talent shows, on the playground, and on the bus.  I can't stop any of that from happening, but I can help my kids to become aware of the lyrics and to make conscious choices not to be subconsciously brainwashed by them.  Music bypasses our defenses. It is a powerful tool that can be used to bring us closer to God or to encourage carnal desires.  Words alone are so powerful.  Catchy tunes combined with words creates an invasive message, whether we want it stuck in our minds or not.  The songs we listen to over and over embed themselves into our souls.  Right now, as I wrap this up, a song is playing in my head- unintentionally, but surely welcome.  "Be still my soul. The Lord is on thy side. With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.  Leave to thy God to order and provide; in every change he faithful will remain. Be still, my soul, Thy best, thy heavenly friend thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end."

I'm ready.  I know God is on my side.  I know He will help my husband and me to balance teaching our daughter about good music so that she, and our other kids, can consciously choose music that is praiseworthy. 

Courageous Parenting: No Sleepovers

Tonight for FHE( Family Home Evening) I am teaching a lesson about friend sleepovers.  It's been on my mind the last few days, and I thought it would be great to take some time to explain to our kids why we do not allow friend sleepovers, what the exact rules are, and if there are any exceptions.

This is sticky territory.

It is unpopular of me to have a no sleepover rule.  My children are bummed out by that.

Good.

There was a talk given in General Conference in October of 2010 entitled "Courageous Parenting" by Larry R. Lawrence, a member of the Quorum of the Seventy.  I guess that some people consider talks given by anyone other than the Prophet to be simply advice.  To me, it is more than advice. It is inspired counsel.  On one hand, I do not make every change suggested in every talk.  If I did, I would be pretty dang perfect.  I probably also wouldn't use the word, "dang". But, when any speaker in conference gives a clear warning about something we should NOT be doing, I try really hard to listen and apply the advice.

  It is easy to choose NOT to do something.

It is easy to be PERFECT at NOT doing something.  I do not drink alcohol and that is easy for me.  I made the choice once and I have never had to make it again.  I do not smoke.  I do not do drugs.  I do not kill people. Sometimes I am tempted there, but I'm holding strong.

Our  church leaders seldom give specific guidance, but it does sometimes happen.

Do not watch rated R movies.

Do not have more than one piercing per ear.

Do not let your kids spend the night at a friend's house.

WHAT?

Here is the talk I am taking this no sleepover warning from:

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/courageous-parenting?lang=eng

It's not church doctrine.  It's not a commandment. It's a "personal warning" from a member of the Quorum of the Seventy. And that is good enough for me.

Elder Lawrence says," May I express my personal warning about a practice that is common in many cultures.  I am referring to sleepovers, or spending the night at the home of a friend.  As a bishop I discovered that too many youth violated the Word of Wisdom or the law of chastity for the first time as part of a sleepover.  Too often their first exposure to pornography and even their first encounter with the police occurred when they were spending the night away from home.
Peer pressure becomes more powerful when our children are away from our influence and when their defenses are weakened late at night.  If you have ever felt uneasy about an overnight activity, don't be afraid to respond to that warning voice inside.  Always be prayerful when it comes to protecting your precious children.
Courageous parenting does not always involve saying no.  Parents also need courage to say yes to the counsel of modern-day prophets.  Our Church leaders have counseled us to establish righteous patterns in our homes.  Consider five fundamental practices that have the power to fortify our youth; family prayer, family scripture study, family home evening, family dinner together, and regular one-on-one interviews with each child."

"Try to imagine what the rising generation could become like if these five righteous patterns were practiced consistently in every home. Our young people could be like Helaman's army: invincible( See Alma 57:25-26)."

It's an awesome talk.  It was not was started the no sleepover rule at my house, but it certainly has given me the strength to be a courageous parent and stay firm.  We first started the rule when our stake president in Kearns counseled the stake at stake conference to abandon the practice of sleepovers.  He gave the same reasons as given in the talk I quoted.  They were both right.

So, why don't I only allow them at my home where I can "keep them safe?".  Well ,for one thing, that would be hypocritical and hurtful to my other good and trusted friends if I were to say my home is okay but their home are not.  Secondly, if the children are unsupervised ( which will happen unless the parents stay up all night), it doesn't matter whose home they are in.  I do not target individual kids and make decisions about them.  This is a blanket rule. NO FRIEND SLEEPOVERS.

They can have late-overs.  I will pick them up at 11 or 12.  I will even bring them back for breakfast.  I will host parties that end before the next day begins. I will also supervise the entire time.

  We do allow cousin sleepovers for little kids. That is the only exception we make.

We do allow our kids to be babysat overnight. That is not a sleepover.  It is babysitting . I only use people I trust who will make my kids go to bed and sleep.

We do let people visit us and stay at our house while on vacation. We do not let the kids stay up after we go to bed. We even had foreign exchange students for two weeks last September.  I put them in their own room in the basement so they were far away from my girls and I can hear if anyone comes upstairs during the night.  I also stayed awake each night until they were sleeping.

It's all about supervision.  Kids do stupid stuff when they stay up late.  Even good kids do stupid stuff.  Kids need to be supervised.  Sleepovers are not supervised if the parents are asleep and the kids are awake.  And kids are tricky.  Older kids might pretend to go to sleep and then get up and do things they shouldn't- like sneaking out. I might be 36, but I still remember sneaking out to toilet paper people's yards when I was a teenager.  Luckily, that was the worst thing I ever did on a sleepover.  And usually, my mom took us to do the toilet papering.  True story.

As Elder Lawrence said,"Challenges and temptations are coming at our teenagers with the speed and power of a freight train.  As we are reminded in the family proclamation, parents are responsible for the protection of their children.  That means spiritually as well as physically".

I know I can't protect my kids from everything, and if you know me personally or well at all, you know I am really pretty mellow.  I let my kids play outside without me.  I sit on the side of the playground and watch them at the park.  I don't freak out when they come to me bleeding. I let them use knives and cook at a young age.  I really am not a helicopter parent at all.

I believe in letting them make mistakes.  I do let them go to public schools.  I don't check their homework at night or tell them to change their underwear every day.

I even let them go to scout camp and pray that the leaders actually supervise them and make them go to sleep. That one does scare me.

But, this sleepover thing, this is really important.

Pornography?  Drinking? Smoking? Drugs?  Sex? Police?

Those are big.  Call me overprotective if you want.  No sleepovers allowed around here.