Courageous Parenting: No Sleepovers

Tonight for FHE( Family Home Evening) I am teaching a lesson about friend sleepovers.  It's been on my mind the last few days, and I thought it would be great to take some time to explain to our kids why we do not allow friend sleepovers, what the exact rules are, and if there are any exceptions.

This is sticky territory.

It is unpopular of me to have a no sleepover rule.  My children are bummed out by that.

Good.

There was a talk given in General Conference in October of 2010 entitled "Courageous Parenting" by Larry R. Lawrence, a member of the Quorum of the Seventy.  I guess that some people consider talks given by anyone other than the Prophet to be simply advice.  To me, it is more than advice. It is inspired counsel.  On one hand, I do not make every change suggested in every talk.  If I did, I would be pretty dang perfect.  I probably also wouldn't use the word, "dang". But, when any speaker in conference gives a clear warning about something we should NOT be doing, I try really hard to listen and apply the advice.

  It is easy to choose NOT to do something.

It is easy to be PERFECT at NOT doing something.  I do not drink alcohol and that is easy for me.  I made the choice once and I have never had to make it again.  I do not smoke.  I do not do drugs.  I do not kill people. Sometimes I am tempted there, but I'm holding strong.

Our  church leaders seldom give specific guidance, but it does sometimes happen.

Do not watch rated R movies.

Do not have more than one piercing per ear.

Do not let your kids spend the night at a friend's house.

WHAT?

Here is the talk I am taking this no sleepover warning from:

http://www.lds.org/general-conference/2010/10/courageous-parenting?lang=eng

It's not church doctrine.  It's not a commandment. It's a "personal warning" from a member of the Quorum of the Seventy. And that is good enough for me.

Elder Lawrence says," May I express my personal warning about a practice that is common in many cultures.  I am referring to sleepovers, or spending the night at the home of a friend.  As a bishop I discovered that too many youth violated the Word of Wisdom or the law of chastity for the first time as part of a sleepover.  Too often their first exposure to pornography and even their first encounter with the police occurred when they were spending the night away from home.
Peer pressure becomes more powerful when our children are away from our influence and when their defenses are weakened late at night.  If you have ever felt uneasy about an overnight activity, don't be afraid to respond to that warning voice inside.  Always be prayerful when it comes to protecting your precious children.
Courageous parenting does not always involve saying no.  Parents also need courage to say yes to the counsel of modern-day prophets.  Our Church leaders have counseled us to establish righteous patterns in our homes.  Consider five fundamental practices that have the power to fortify our youth; family prayer, family scripture study, family home evening, family dinner together, and regular one-on-one interviews with each child."

"Try to imagine what the rising generation could become like if these five righteous patterns were practiced consistently in every home. Our young people could be like Helaman's army: invincible( See Alma 57:25-26)."

It's an awesome talk.  It was not was started the no sleepover rule at my house, but it certainly has given me the strength to be a courageous parent and stay firm.  We first started the rule when our stake president in Kearns counseled the stake at stake conference to abandon the practice of sleepovers.  He gave the same reasons as given in the talk I quoted.  They were both right.

So, why don't I only allow them at my home where I can "keep them safe?".  Well ,for one thing, that would be hypocritical and hurtful to my other good and trusted friends if I were to say my home is okay but their home are not.  Secondly, if the children are unsupervised ( which will happen unless the parents stay up all night), it doesn't matter whose home they are in.  I do not target individual kids and make decisions about them.  This is a blanket rule. NO FRIEND SLEEPOVERS.

They can have late-overs.  I will pick them up at 11 or 12.  I will even bring them back for breakfast.  I will host parties that end before the next day begins. I will also supervise the entire time.

  We do allow cousin sleepovers for little kids. That is the only exception we make.

We do allow our kids to be babysat overnight. That is not a sleepover.  It is babysitting . I only use people I trust who will make my kids go to bed and sleep.

We do let people visit us and stay at our house while on vacation. We do not let the kids stay up after we go to bed. We even had foreign exchange students for two weeks last September.  I put them in their own room in the basement so they were far away from my girls and I can hear if anyone comes upstairs during the night.  I also stayed awake each night until they were sleeping.

It's all about supervision.  Kids do stupid stuff when they stay up late.  Even good kids do stupid stuff.  Kids need to be supervised.  Sleepovers are not supervised if the parents are asleep and the kids are awake.  And kids are tricky.  Older kids might pretend to go to sleep and then get up and do things they shouldn't- like sneaking out. I might be 36, but I still remember sneaking out to toilet paper people's yards when I was a teenager.  Luckily, that was the worst thing I ever did on a sleepover.  And usually, my mom took us to do the toilet papering.  True story.

As Elder Lawrence said,"Challenges and temptations are coming at our teenagers with the speed and power of a freight train.  As we are reminded in the family proclamation, parents are responsible for the protection of their children.  That means spiritually as well as physically".

I know I can't protect my kids from everything, and if you know me personally or well at all, you know I am really pretty mellow.  I let my kids play outside without me.  I sit on the side of the playground and watch them at the park.  I don't freak out when they come to me bleeding. I let them use knives and cook at a young age.  I really am not a helicopter parent at all.

I believe in letting them make mistakes.  I do let them go to public schools.  I don't check their homework at night or tell them to change their underwear every day.

I even let them go to scout camp and pray that the leaders actually supervise them and make them go to sleep. That one does scare me.

But, this sleepover thing, this is really important.

Pornography?  Drinking? Smoking? Drugs?  Sex? Police?

Those are big.  Call me overprotective if you want.  No sleepovers allowed around here.