Do you ever have a twinge of Junior High feeling flit across your heart? I hope not, for your sake, because, for me, it is as unwelcome as snow after Mother's Day. Just the act of writing those two lines has invited that awkward chest tightening yet again. It's just, so, well, so Junior High. What am I talking about? I'm talking about the feeling that comes when either 1. I tell myself I am nerdy ( in a bad way), a fashion disaster, a blob of gelatinous cellulite ridden grossness, uncool, lacking in close friends. . . . I could go on, but you probably get the picture OR 2. Someone else acts in such a way as to make me feel like THEY think I am nerdy, a fashion disaster, uncool. . . . you get it right?
 |
| www.dreamstime.com |
I really hate feeling that way. To borrow a line from a Wicked song- it's loathing, unadulterated loathing, for my face, my hair, my clothing. Do they loathe it all? Okay, I'm not really going around wondering that, at least not all of that at one time. But, sometimes doubts creep in, whether initiated from me or from the outside. It's a bad feeling.
It's something I've been thinking about a lot lately- wondering where I fit in with the other people in my ward, my neighborhood, the school community, and the family. I have a strong personality. Maybe I offend people without meaning to do so. I have a tender heart. Maybe people don't really know that. And I think way too much.
I think about the people in my ward who seem like they are really nice. They are nice to my face, usually, but sometimes mean behind my back, and I hear about it later. I think about the times I may have said something mean about someone else and forgive the people who did it to me. But, I still wonder how many people really can't stand me. And I think about the people who have always been nice to me, but are just cooler than me, the groups that hang out together. Every now and then, I get invited to a fringe activity, but am never truly part of the group. I am not cool enough for them. I don't dress well enough. I don't wear makeup. Do I want to be part of that group or any group? Am I mad at them for not including me? No, not really. They can't have everyone in it. But, knowing I'm not part of it just brings that nasty Junior High excluded feeling back again.
What group do I fit in with?
I guess, none of them, not really.
I'm a floater.
http://theblacksphere.net/2010/06/confessions-of-a-token-white-girl/
I'm in a book club and I love all of the members. For most of the 5 years it's been going, since I started it, I've been the youngest member. Everyone is really nice to me, but it's not like we do stuff outside of book club. I walk with a friend 5 days a week, and I do truly consider her to be my friend, but we don't call each other to chat or hang out. She's busy with her own large extended family that all live close by. I even float with my church calling. One week I might be subbing in the Nursery. Most weeks I'm switching between playing piano for the Primary and playing for Relief Society. I kind of feel like an outsider in both places because I'm not firmly planted in either. I joined a block of the month quilting class, but even I know that I don't really fit in there, being a complete novice who doesn't even own a sewing machine. Still, it's good sometimes to be uncomfortable.
I'm probably coming across as unhappy, but I'm not. I have a lot of friends, just not a lot of close friends. I don't have a lot of friends I call and chat with for no reason at all. I can do that with my mom and two of my sisters. But, the awkward feeling does creep in with family, usually just with inlaws. My inlaws are great, but naturally we don't always agree. Over Christmas, we had a disagreement that was very upsetting to both sides. It pitted my husband and I against his parents and siblings. Now I feel, just so Junior High when I am around them. I know they are still mad at me. I get little clues like not being talked to for the first hour of a family get together. It's hard to tell with that Junior High feeling. There are other groups where I get that nasty JH feeling too. Is it me, or is it them? Or is it both? Do I do this to people too?
When I was in Junior High I had a pretty big group of friends. I was safe with them. It was THE OTHERS whom I tried to avoid- the mean boy who made fun of me on the bus, the cheerleaders who laughed at me, the kids who ignored me. It was all so uncomfortable all the time and the feeling there was one of too much caring of what other people thought. And sometimes I let that creep into my heart still. Cause I know I can't control them. I can't make them like me. I can't make them want to be my bosom buddy or invite me for a lunch date or to the movie. And I really do have friends. They just keep moving away, or I move away, or we're too busy to get together too often. I just don't have a group. That's not who I am. I don't feel comfortable belonging to just one group. I like to flit around myself and talk to a lot of people. I like so many different people at church and enjoy spending time with many diverse ladies.
The price for that is that there usually isn't anyone saving me a seat. The upside is that I can go and sit by someone who is sitting alone. And that is what I usually do, because I usually ignore any Junior High feeling that creeps up on me, and think about the other people who might be feeling insecure themselves. I like the girls who are 14 years younger than me- 20 year olds who just got married. I like the people around my age. I like the ladies in their 40's and 50's who have nearly finished raising their brood. I love the ladies 60 and above who have so much experience and wisdom to share. I'm so glad that I'm not in Junior High anymore. It's such an artificial environment and not the real world, at least not the world the way I choose to live in it. Yes, I still see the clicks. I still worry that my clothes aren't good enough. But, they are fleeting moments of Junior Highesque apprehension, rather than life consuming worries. Most of the time, I am comfortable in my own skin. Thank goodness. Do I still long for a kindred spirit to move in next door, somebody who is a perfect fit to become my BFF. Yes. Who wouldn't? But, if I had that, maybe I would lose the richness of a broad diversity of women in my life. Maybe keeping just a touch of the humility of Junior High in my life is part of God's plan for me.
No comments:
Post a Comment